I Will Give You A Heart To Know Me

A few months back I found myself with the unexpected luxury of being home alone for a while. Prior to Covid, Wednesday mornings were my praise time; with the house being empty, I was able to sing aloud. For a year, I had not been able to do this but when the door finally shut and the house went quiet I started to think, now what can I do with my time and freedom? My head said I ought to get on with my writing as in the quiet I would be able to concentrate, I would make progress for sure. But my heart had other plans. I thought, what did I used to do when I was home alone? Then with a glad heart I sang and prayed in each room. As I stood at the top of the stairs, I prayed in my heart without words but I knew I was saying I was glad to be with Jesus and to be feeling that relief one feels when they can just stop being everything else and can just be themselves. At that moment my heart grew warm within me in a way I had not experienced before. I knew God was glad that I had desired Him in that moment above, ‘making progress’ and getting on with my ‘To Do’ list.  ‘Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.’ I think in this moment what I realised was this- God WAS the desire and it delighted us both!

John Wesley recorded in his diary how he reluctantly went to a church service feeling discouraged and in doubt but heard a sermon about how faith changes the heart and at that moment he felt his own heart ‘strangely warmed.’ The disciples on the road to Emmaus, also feeling hopeless and disappointed after the crucifixion, recalled how their hearts ‘glowed or burned within them’ as Jesus walked and talked with them. And that is how it is, how He is. When we are down and out, stuck in a rut and feeling glum, we often withdraw, telling people that we are not very good company right now BUT GOD especially shows up at those times, gets up close and personal and warms our hearts back to life. We have a friend in Jesus, Who knows our face when we take the mask off and is as relieved as we are to sit and chat and laugh and cry and laugh again.

-Jesse Kaur

Below is a poem I wrote a few years back about being ourselves with Jesus in prayer, the struggles of casting our cares on to Him and how our perspective regarding our mountains shrinks in His presence.


Knock and the Door Will be Opened

I’m thinking of inviting Jesus over for tea tonight.
 We will sit at the kitchen table of my mind.
 He’ll have tea, Yorkshire, a proper brew, none of this Earl Grey stuff.
 I’ll have a hot chocolate that will sit till it’s lukewarm enough to sip.

 His eyes will smile and my moony mouth will wax
 And then melt, when my will wanes
 As I moan and mither the stresses and strains of the day.
 Reason and logic will sit on my shoulders,
 Confusing and chivvying me into dejection then inevitably, distraction.

But then I look up! His eyes are unchanging.
They will crease at the corners; I know he can’t hold it.
‘Oh, finding it funny are we?’ I’ll tease, Miranda style.
And we’ll both burst out laughing.
The water in my eyes is stilled and pastures green flash between the blinks of his baby lashes.

- Jesse Kaur